Broken.

I make mistakes. Every day. I don’t make excuses, I don’t place blame. I own them, every goddamned one of them.

I am not perfect, I am fragile, I am insecure, I am by far my own worst critic. Nothing you can say to me, could ever be as damaging as the words I echo to myself.

I want to be better. I want to be enough. I rarely am.

But, I wake each day, with the intention of learning more about who I am. With the intention of being better than I was the day before.

Some days, I succeed. Others, I fall flat on my face, and sometimes I hurt others as collateral damage.It breaks me up inside to know that I have caused pain to others, as I always want to live in love and acceptance.

I love hard, I fall hard, I bleed just as anyone else. I dive in head first, but sometimes the bottom comes up far faster than I can see it. I have hit bottom many times. Too many to count.

Therefore. …. I hurt.  I hurt with a pain so intense, sometimes it scares me. It shatters me. It renders me broken. And broken hurts. A lot.

I have scars most will never know of,  I hide them deeply because, far too often they are used as weapons by others. Trust is not something I do easily. If I trust you, it is because you have earned it. Because I trust you enough to let you in to the sacred space of my heart.

If I share myself with you, it is because I trust who you are, I trust who you have become upon your journey. It is rare. But it is beautiful in its rawness and terrifying in its ability to destroy me.

I often hide, I rarely seek. For I long for someone to look when I am missing. I hide in plainsight. However, I suppose it was never your job to begin with, was it ?  I guess it’s up to me to find myself.  To rely upon….

 

ME

I don’t want to be broken anymore. I want to pick up the pieces and finally rearrange them into someone I can be proud of. Someone who allows people to stay. Someone, who is no longer…broken.

Life is crazy. It breaks me down, piece by piece, cell by cell, moment to moment.

If I reach out it is because you have the ability to fix a piece of me that no one else has been able to. You have the power to change me. To propel me forward, to help me stay the course. To be….to love….to heal.

To heal.

Thank you, to those who walk with me upon my journey. I know I have hurt you, simply in my journey to becoming whole, I may have neglected to see that you may be broken too.

There is safety in numbers. Hold my hand. Walk with me.  Forgive me. Please.

I am aware I often make it difficult to love me. But also, please know, if you break through, I will love you through anything. …anything at all.

I  am human.  I make mistakes. But I carry on. Because I must.  As I walk, always know……

I carry you in my heart ♡

 

Forgive.  Live.  Love. BE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No mud, No lotus 🪷

This week marked the first time I have been able to practice yoga in a little over two years. As many of you know my foot and ankle reconstruction came with some complications which delayed my healing by approximately 10 additional months.

As I settled in to my normal practice, a practice with which I was completely at ease, I quickly came to realize that I am NOT the same person, body or soul that I was in May of 2021.

My body felt tight and stiff and shaky and unsure of the postures I had been so familiar with.

Where did my balance go? Where did my endurance go? Where…did my focus go?

I could not allow myself to get out of my own way, as I stood there defeated and sadly, pretty damn depressed.

It was ‘just’ a foot and ankle. Why had my whole body decided to betray me?

I lowered myself to the floor, on the verge of tears, and planted myself firmly upon my sit bones with one hand on my belly, the other lying softly on my heart. I allowed the emotion to come, to briefly settle in, and I allowed myself a few moments to grieve all I had lost. 2 years is a long time to remain out of touch with your body as a whole, and a very long time to quiet the mind against everything that was holding me mentally hostage. I sat, I embraced, I mourned and moved on.

If I learned anything from my previous years of practice, I learned that the act of sitting and breathing is the practice of yoga in and of itself. Yoga is more than the body it is the union of the mind and body with breath..It is, at all turns, the act of letting go. Letting go and flowing through.

It is the lotus flower at the center of it’s symbolism, reminding me that without mud, there would be no lotus.

Perhaps now is my time to sit in the mud for just a short while longer, giving myself enough time to practice the art of letting go, of becoming, of growing into the body and mind I find myself in during this apparent time of transformation. As I move through the poses, I will allow myself imperfection, I will allow myself to be mediocre in my flow but brilliant in my rise up through the dense and dark surroundings of healing.

I will sit tall, anchored deeply, I will be both the lotus and the mud.

I am once again humbled by my practice, by my journey, by my inability to simply BE.

Stand tall

Shoulders back

Heart forward……

At peace in the art of letting go.

~-Katie 06/27/23

What is a weight worth ? (and other questions that keep me up at night)

Once upon a time there was a girl who never felt like enough so she spent her time becoming less and less so that her outside would match her inside. Acceptance was the thing that drove her…more than anything she wanted to be noticed….more than anything to be seen.
but

she

wasn’t.
So then she decided …. Maybe she could become so small that invisibility would be her superpower…

but

it

wasn’t.

The yo yo snapping up and down.

They veil between too big and too small made itself the only thing she really knew.

Putting all she had into finding the ideal quotient that made her acceptable.
Cheating death and hiding from life tucked neatly inside the numbers on a dinner plate.
Afraid to admit that she knew …..she KNEW at a very young age that beauty is what made a woman special.
But the number on the scale that turned the lock on that path of gold was invisible……

hypothetical…..

mythical at best.

Eventually she grew up and was forced to thrust herself into the middle of a world determined to bruise her at every turn.
She was always……

too ugly

too little

too loud

TOO MUCH.

But never enough.

Still she walks the earth with bare soles on a field of broken sea glass……

trying to find her way through the haze of numbers on a scale that blind her to the beauty that she holds deep inside her…..

too ugly

too loud

too little

Too………..

Much.

In the span of a moment so much of life was already behind her.
But still in her memory ……there is still a girl….

who simply wanted to be…..

enough.

Wander

Today…..Is the first day that I am truly feeling the genuine loss of all the pieces of my “normal” life. I miss the trails, and my backpack, and the way that I am found each time I wander to get lost. I miss the sun on my face in the morning and the sun on my back in the evenings. I miss camping in the depths of the forest and the smell of coffee brewing on the campfire before sunrise. The beauty of the morning dew as it gently rests upon the leaves of trees and the blades of grass, waiting for the heat of day. I miss climbing mountains and waking valleys, and I miss that second level of tired that only the out of doors can provide. I miss my canoe, the silence of the water as the eagle rests above me in the dead tree at the rivers bend. I miss who I am when I am free. I miss who I am when I am…… me. I know this is temporary…..but I also know this loss is heavy and palpable and real. I will move through this sadness, this heaviness, and I will lay it down when I am ready….. until the time comes to lift my pack onto my back….. and move on.

Less than perfect

I used to think I had to be perfect to be loved and admired. The perfect body, the perfect grades, the perfect life. I couldn’t be sad or angry or depressed or God forbid….overweight. That person is someone that other’s can’t love. I fought for years to keep myself inside the box of perfection… restrictive dieting, excessive exercise, hair just right, doing all the things I thought everyone else thought I should do…..being who everyone else thought I should be. It was oppressive and destructive and simply put…….unhealthy. It took me many years to build the courage to be authentic. To be….. real. To be flawed and still be okay. I am not perfect. I am sometimes too needy, I am seen by some as too fat, too short, too weird, too loud, too……..much. I admit…..some days I still try to fit myself into other people’s ideas of me……because I just want to be accepted. But I am working hard, to accept that I don’t need acceptance or likes or false admiration. I am okay…..just as I am. With my too big belly and my beautifully big heart. I will no longer shrink myself to be what you hoped I would be……what you hoped I could be. I am happiest on the path to being me.

Ordinary miracle

I watched a documentary called ” The Long Goodbye” it was heartbreaking and beautiful. It was heartbreakingly, beautifully real. It was about this young mother of 4, a pastor’s wife, who is diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer ….
that’s the heartbreaking part….
But the beautiful part…
is what she did with that diagnosis.
she chose to …. love more…. live more…. walk deeper into her faith, by grace.
She was dying… she knew she was dying.
As are we all.
But she chose not to actively die, she chose to boldly live.
She loved harder
She lived louder
She taught others to do the same.

It was difficult to watch.

It brought back so many memories of Rebecca….I walked that path with her….and she taught me all of those lessons in a way that only she could. She taught me love, she taught me grace, she taught me strength, she taught me the value of an ordinary day.
I miss her. I miss her every, single day.
I have cried new tears today….as I was reminded of death, of life, but mostly…..I was reminded of love.
Big love.
The kind of love that changes the world.
So today… in honor of Kara Tibbets… in honor of my beautiful friend, Rebecca…
I will go out into this ordinary day… and I will love out loud. I will walk in Grace…..and I will give thanks for those who paid the price to teach the rest of us just how short life can be.
Love hard, my beautiful friends…

This all ends.

What is it you choose to do with this one precious life ?

Go. Be. Love.

F**K you, cancer

Dear cancer – Enough is enough. I can’t handle another person in my life suffering at your hands. You have made me cry, made me angry, made me question every belief I have ever held at …

Source: F**K you, cancer

F**K you, cancer

Dear cancer –

Enough is enough. I can’t handle another person in my life suffering at your hands.

You have made me cry, made me angry, made me question every belief I have ever held at the promise of a forgiving and just entity.

You have taken loved ones, friends, and strangers who still deserved a better fate.

You have taken my security, you have taken my lightness, and lately… you have taken my laughter and my smile.

 

My joy, you hold clutched in your wicked little fingers.

I want to run, to scream, I want to disappear to a world without cancer.

 

THAT. .DOESN’T. …EXIST. There is no such place.

We live. We love. We grieve. And you….March on.

But here’s the thing, cancer.

There are some things you will never take.

You will never take our memories, you will never take the love we hold so deeply rooted in our hearts.

You will never take our fight or our determination.  You will never take who we are, at our very core

You see, cancer. You may win the battle..but you will never the fight.

I’m lacing up the boxing gloves, and I will continue the 1, 2 punch for all of those I love, who are mercy to your darkness.

I

Will

Never

Give

Up

You have broken my heart, you have caused me more suffering than you can fathom.

But you will never, break my spirit.

To all those I have loved and lost..to all those who are fighting the raging battle within… I am a warrior.  And your fight, is mine.

Fuck you, cancer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I remember ……

As I sit here, trying to put my feelings into words. I struggle. Not because I can’t label my feelings, but because there are so many and even 14 years later, they are still completely overwhelming. They still shake my to my very core.

Where were you that day, that moment, that inexplicable second when hate changed our lives forever ?  I remember, where I was, how I felt, how the breath was taken from my lungs. And to be honest, it felt like I didn’t take another for a very long time. I was scared, I was confused, I felt everything and nothing all at the very same time.

You see, I still cannot understand that level of hatred. I cannot bend my mind around a hate so black and twisted, that this was the outcome they relished, they celebrated, they planned so meticulously.

So many lives, intertwined, lost, taken in a split second of sheer terror.

The ripple of that day, continues on, September 11th, will NEVER be just another day.

My heart is still broken, and I hope to never know that level or darkness. That level of hate. I hope to NEVER see that level of terror EVER again. EVER.

I sat with the kids this morning, and I tried to explain. I tried to explain why I was crying, why I was shaking with sadness some 14 years later. I could only come up with 3 words. I STILL REMEMBER.

I lost my safety that day, as did we all. I lost my trust and my frivolity, and my small mindedness that day. I lost my innocence that day, too. Because you see, that level of destruction was something I had never seen before, and I hope I will never see again. And I hope, my children will never, in their lifetimes, KNOW how that feels.

But enough about loss……14 years out, it is time to talk about what was gained that day, as it is equally important. Perhaps, even more so.

Do you remember, in the weeks that followed, how our world changed ? I do. We, as a race, came together in solidarity.

In kindness, in strength, in the theory of safety in numbers. We came together to rally, to support, to grieve, to rebuild. We came together to search, and to rescue. We came together in sorrow, and in sadness. But most of, we, as humans, came together in love.

And you see, love, my friends, will always win. It will always triumph in the face of hatred. I hated those that carried out those horrific events, I hated them with as much anger as I could. I carried that hate like a knife through my heart, and eventually…that hate became too heavy a cross to bear.

Do you know what I decided to do ? I decided to LIVE. Every single second, every single moment, every single day. I decided to live in love.

Perhaps the greatest lessons I learned that day, was that I, we, needed to learn to  love without limits, to say what matters, and to never let hate win. That fateful day,  taught me, just how valuable an ordinary day can be.

So I ask this of you, my dear friends. I ask you to go out into this day, and BE LOVE. Don’t ever late hatred win. Because if we do, we have let THEM win. And in honor of all those whose lives were lost, changed, altered forever, we simply cannot allow that to happen.

Say what you feel, love who you love, and forgive those who have wronged. We can forgive, but we can never, ever, FORGET.
Be kind. Be grateful. BE LOVE ❤

fragile …..

I am an empath. Many days, I wish I weren’t.

Being an empath is a lot like wearing your heart on the outside of your body. Leaving it exposed to the elements. The elements of love, and compassion, and ignorance, and hate.

I love,not just with my heart, but with my entire being….mind, body, soul. And if I love you, you will never have to wonder as you will always know.

But that being said, being an empath comes with a hefty price, as I feel everything so deeply that I am often left in pieces. Every single thing touches me, I want to save everyone and everything and to watch another suffer, is like an arrow through my core.

I spend hours worrying whether I did enough, said enough, was enough. I worry that at the end of my life, I will not have made a difference to all those who needed me.

Each day I set out with the grand intention of making this World a better place, and though I intend to do it in increments, somedays I bite off more than I can embrace. And my heart, being worn on the outside, often gets bruised.

I need to tend to my heart, I need to nurture it, and embrace it’s faults and fissures, and I need to allow it to fill back up. And you see, my friends, that is where each of you comes in. Each of you, fills my heart with love and gratitude. With encouragement when I am tired, with gratitude when I am feeling empty, and with love, every….single…..day.

The days that I am left with the worst of the wreckage are the days when you hold me the highest. You understand me. You gather round me. You fill my heart back up.

So today, after a day of picking up pieces. I am ready to take on the World. And though I will stand here and tell you, I will take it slowly, well, we all know how that is going to end.

So I will thank you ahead of time, because I know, without question, that you will handle my heart with great care.

So as you go out into today, always remember, that you matter. Take care of yourselves and of each other. Be kind. Be Grateful. BE LOVE